You know these funny cars go so fast
that when the car hits the finish line
the driver is actually younger than when he started.
Man, talkin' 'bout
dang ol' greased lightning, man,
just like them ol' odd rod stickers, man,
still got one of them on my lunch box, man.
Oh, my God, that's Austin Coil!
Chief mechanic of the John Force racing team.
Just look at the man.
He moves beautifully.
John Force is the greatest funny car racer ever!
He's done more in a quarter mile
than I've done in my whole life.
Do we follow him?
No.
Yes.
Yo, yo, check it out dang ol' two o'clock...
Wow, John Force.
Howdy, fellas.
Y'all come out to see some racing?
Y-Yes.
John Force is talking to us.
So, what kind of time are you shooting for today...
John?
I can't race today.
I've been feeling a bit sick
and no one should go out and drive 300 miles an hour
unless they can keep their breakfast down.
Well, that just blows.
Dale!
I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Are you okay?
I think I need to sit down.
You know, Force, as long as you're sitting
you might try sitting behind the wheel and doing your job.
Dale!
Just a suggestion.
Hey, Mom, I didn't know you were subbing today.
I am not.
But word on the street is that Miriam Kaney's
been throwing up in the bathroom the last few mornings,
so I better put in a little face time with Principal Moss
if I want to land that sweet, sweet maternity gig.
This is Mike Soto with the morning announcements.
Students going on the Science Club field trip
must have two forms of permission slip
or they won't be allowed on the bus...
Thanks for the big cup of boring.
Tune in tomorrow when Bobby Hill
takes over the morning announcements.
Good for you, Bobby.
If I can pull this off, Class Clown is a lock.
Oh, that John Force is one tough SOB, I tell you what.
Says here he's going to be just fine,
right after they replace 70% of his blood.
I'll give him mine!
Us Dauterives bleed real easy.
Dang ol' count me in, man.
So it's settled,
we'll all go give blood together.
Count me out.
The vast majority of unauthorized face removals
happen to people in hospitals.
You disappoint me, Dale.
Get in line.
Yep.
That silent treatment won't work on me.
I don't need you to talk to. I have my thoughts.
I can't be alone with my thoughts!
You've heard them!
Where're you going?
We're going to the blood bank,
where we will talk about old times
and wear new "I gave blood" hats.
Wait up.
I feel sorry for Mike Soto.
Just because his name is Mike
doesn't mean he should be talking on one.
You see, Emily, that is the kind of zing I bring to the table.
Mike Soto didn't have to be funny.
He had credibility.
You better be funny.
Uh... uh...
Good morning, Tom Landry Middle School!
In birthday news, Nurse Barrow turns 40 today.
Of course, that's still
two years younger than the meat loaf
in the cafeteria!
Would the owner of a red Schwinn please report to the bike rack.
You left your reflector on.
And that's the bell for first period.
Either that or the school doorbell's stuck!
As if schools have doorbells.
Sir, the snacks are for after you've given blood.
We haven't even checked for your blood type yet.
Oh, that won't be necessary. I'm type V.
I'll talk! I'll talk!
Mr. Gribble, you've just had a seizure,
brought on by a vasovagal reaction.
You're going to be fine.
You're going to be better than fine, Dale.
You're going to be a hero.
Why?
Because John Force needs a new kidney.
All of our blood was screened, tested and catalogued
into the computer...
Oh, God, not the master computer!
Uh, it looked like a Dell.
Anyway, the printout said your kidney
was a perfect match for John Force.
But I... I need my kidney.
It keeps my other kidney company.
Mr. Gribble,
the odds of finding another match are one in 80,000.
You better get to it, then, eh, Doc?
There's the phone book.
Dang it, Dale. You're not even going to think about it?
We're talking about John Force!
Not for long.
He can have mine, even if it doesn't match!
Dale, I know this is a huge thing
to ask of anyone, but you'd be saving the life
of a true American hero.
Think of it, Dale.
If you did this,
you and John Force would be
friends for life.
Maybe I have been looking at this thing all wrong.
Gentlemen, let's go see John Force.
I can't thank you enough for doing this, Dale.
My kids thank you, too.
They're gorgeous.
Now let's talk turkey.
If you want my kidney,
I've got to get something in return.
Dale! No, it's okay.
What can I do for you?
First off, I reserve the right
to call you 24 hours a day
to prove to people I know you.
I do not play favorites with my organs.
If you take my kidney on vacation,
my other organs go, too.
And finally, I want you to put the Dale's Dead Bug
on top of your race car.
That thing's going to slow me down a bit.
Not as slow as if you're dead.
Deal?
Deal.
Okay, let's get this done.
Where do I go?
Do I have to sit on some kind of special toilet?
Uh, Dale, you know this is major surgery, right?
You're gonna have to be
in the hospital for three days.
I can't afford to be out of commission for three days.
As one of Arlen's leading skeptics,
I've got my fingers in a lot of pies.
But, Dale, you made a deal.
What about all that great stuff you got from John?
Damn, the stuff!
Stuff is my weakness.
All right, Hank, I'm still going through with this
if you promise me one thing.
Anything, Dale. What is it?
You have to make sure nothing happens to me.
That no one steals my brain,
or, if they do, they replace it
with one of equal or greater value.
I promise.
There's more!
You also have to take care
of all my affairs, my business dealings.
While I am indisposed, you must be Dale Gribble.
Whatever it takes.
So be it!
I'll give John Force my kidney.
The left one, I think.
Let me just redirect my waste to the right one.
The process has begun.
Okay, Hank, once you sign this power of attorney
you are legally me 24/7 for three whole days.
Now, the show turtles get fed every day,
except for the hatchlings, who eat every hour.
They like a mix of one-third dandelion leaves,
one-third skinned chopped mice
and a mango,
but only if it's fresh.
Do not be surprised if they defecate
in their drinking water.
It's a sign of high spirits.
Where do I get mice?
I left a plate of bacon in your attic.
You should have
plenty by nightfall.
I can't believe I've got
two more days of not being funny
ahead of me.
And then the rest of my life.
Funny's all I got!
Look at me!
Bobby, the reason people weren't laughing
is not because you're not funny.
It's because they didn't know
they were supposed to laugh.
You are as funny as...
as Wacky and Steve on Power 100
or even that Morning Dog Pound.
The only thing that separates
you from them is...
a cowbell.
Really? Yes.
Your audience doesn't want to work so hard.
The cowbell enables them to laugh
without having to think.
The cowbell tells them, "Yes, the joke is over,
and, yes, it was funny."
Hey, Luanne, guess what we're having
for dinner tonight.
Flapjacks.
I said... Flapjacks!
Now I get it.
So, all I have to do is ring that bell after every joke.
You don't ring it.
Your sidekick rings it, and if they're good,
they repeat what you say, which makes it even funnier.
Mom, you have to be my sidekick.
Sidekick.
Sidekick!
I couldn't help noticing, Sug.
You're not eating any solids
and you're only drinking clear fluids.
Oh, that's because I'm donating one of my kidneys
to John Force tomorrow.
What?!
Oh, did I not mention that?
No!
I won't be home for three days.
Love you.
Well, gotta get shaved.
Four knocks and a honk?
Gun club.
Three knocks?
Just hand the guy the Folger's can of money.
This is my business line.
Answer it only between 9:08 and 9:23.
Gribble?
Uh... I'm Gribble's representative,
but I'm kind of busy now.
It's here.
What's here?
Do you have a pen?
Yes.
Throw it away.
No records, no trail, comprende?
Uh... Si.
Look, I don't know much about this... uh, process.
Gribble's got a standing order
for alien urine.
Eight drums, $319.
You won't find a better price.
That seems like a lot of money.
Are you sure this can't wait 30 hours?
In 30 hours it'll be pure zefferum!
Good morning, Tom Landry!
Morning!
Let's start with a look at traffic.
We've got an overturned backpack
in front of the biology lab.
Whoo!
Backpack.
In sports news...
I still can't play 'em!
No good at sports.
Doctor, how is he?
You're the new Gribble, right?
I need to talk to you.
Octavio?
It's Tuesday. I need you to break my fender.
What?
Are you asking me
to help you commit some kind of fraud?
Are you backing out on me, New Gribble?
We had a deal.
And now we drink.
It's 10:00 a.m.
Now we drink.
Excuse me, Nurse.
Is Dale Gribble out of surgery yet?
One moment.
He's here.
No, he doesn't seem to know.
I'm sure you're aware, Mr. Hill,
that there are limits to medical science.
Is this your way of telling me Dale's dead?
Oh, no, the removal of Dale's kidney went very smoothly,
but the funny thing is... after all that,
John Force didn't need it.
He just had a little blockage
in his renal artery.
We were able to pop it out like that.
I promised Dale that nothing would go wrong.
Hank, have you ever been to Mobile, Alabama?
No. What does that have to do with anything?
There's a special young man there
who sure could use a kidney.
Little Timmy Croston.
Ten years old, adorable, partly because he's so small.
I spoke with Timmy's parents
just ten minutes ago.
They are ready to jet-copter him out here
as soon as you give the word.
Oh, I-I don't know.
This is a big decision.
Can't we wait till Dale comes to?
We don't have that kind of time,
and you have Mr. Gribble's power of attorney.
Okay, okay, let me
think about this for a second.
What's there to think about?
What kind of person wouldn't give
a ten-year-old boy a kidney?
Well...
Dale. Mr. Hill,
we need your decision.
Nancy, what's Redcorn doing in our shower?
Hey, Hank.
How's John Force enjoying my kidney?
Uh... well, a funny thing happened.
John didn't actually need it.
Then where is it?
I promised your kidney to a ten-year-old boy.
What?
You can't do that.
I can't believe this.
You were supposed to protect me.
Oh, God!
They know I know!
I'm in the network!
Why-Why isn't my head wrapped in tinfoil?
Mr. Gribble, we're going to need you to calm down.
Look at me.
It's happening!
The harvest has begun!
How could you let this happen to me, Hank?
I trusted you!
I trus...
Sorry, Dale, I...
Mr. Hill, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
That was just some typical post-op dementia
brought on by the anesthesia.
It was not the real Dale talking.
No, that was him.
Ouch!
Hank, my leg is not your conscience.
Quit kicking it.
Yeah, I have nothing to be ashamed about.
I mean, it's a ten-year-old boy.
I did the right thing.
Right? Right.
But how can it be the right thing
to stab a friend in the back?
And stab in the back.
Oh, sorry, you did the right thing.
Ah!
Octavio?
Yo, ese, where's Gribble's kidney?
I lined up a buyer in Caracas.
He outbid this dude in Ireland by 40 euros.
Dale's kidney isn't in there.
It's at the hospital.
Oh.
This is it, Mom,
our last show.
Word is if it goes well,
we're getting a spot
in the school time capsule.
I am ready.
Peggy, thank God you were standing here.
Sarah Cook just got a DWI on her way in.
How would you like to sub Spanish?
Now it's going to require a two-week commitment.
Oh, my God.
I could give a test and grade it?
Great.
Well, move it.
There's a fish tank in that classroom
I've got a bad feeling about.
Bobby, I know you can do this on your own.
Oh, sure...
But you won't have to.
Principal Moss, I am sorry,
but I have a previous commitment.
Okay, Schmidt,
you're going to the show.
Good Morning, Tom Laundry Middle School!
I hope you're all clean.
Tom Laundry!
Dale?
Look, I know that you and Octavio
are trying to sell your kidney,
and I can't let it happen.
Not when there's a ten-year-old boy who needs it.
It's okay, Hank. We called that off.
I put you in charge for a reason.
I knew you'd do the right thing
when I couldn't be trusted to.
Thanks, friend.
Dr. Tabor, I think Dale's kidney could be in danger.
Mr. Hill, despite our little oversight
with John Force, I assure you
we are on top of... Good God!
It's mine.
Let's get you home.
His kidney's gone!
Losing strength...
must maintain focus.
Hey-yah!
Excuse me, Doc... small change in your skedge.
You're to reimplant this kidney in me
for safe-keeping, and then re-extract it
when I locate a suitable buyer.
Dale, stop!
Back off.
Come any closer and this baby's good
for nothing but an Englishman's breakfast.
Now Dale, hold on.
Let's just talk about this.
No.
Now, I'm going to need an unmarked jet
and two parachutes, one kidney-sized. Also...
There's no time for this.
In another couple of hours,
this kidney's going to be of no use to anyone.
Then I've got no time for chitchat.
Oh, a visitor.
Uh... no.
You the kidney kid they're making all the noise about?
Yeah. What do you want?
$43,000.
I don't have that.
Well, if you want my kidney, it's not a one-way street.
I'll start with this. What else you got?
Hmm...
These any good?
I don't know.
I want all of them.
And the fire truck
and the catcher's mitt and that Jell-O.
Okay.
Deal.
At least once a week,
give him a can of Mountain Dew.
He likes that.
Dale, here's your power of attorney back.
It isn't easy being you.
I know.
Did you get me the alien urine?
Uh, yup.
It cost $319.
That's my rate.
And you assisted Octavio.
Bashed his fender with rebar.
That's my MO.
Hank, it sounds like you did everything right
except giving away my kidney.
And since I traded it for a bunch of kiddie toys,
I guess we both let me down.
So, while you were me, did you sleep with Nancy?
No!
Too late!
And now, we drink.